Boundaries

Having healthy boundaries is essential to being a healthy person who enjoys healthy relationships. If you struggle with the concept of boundaries, you are not alone. When most people enter recovery, they tend to lack a solid understanding of what boundaries are and why they are valuable.

Quite often, people who become addicted to drugs or alcohol never had solid boundaries to begin with. They came from families where boundaries weren’t well-established or respected. Others found themselves in codependent relationships that centered around their addiction. In these cases, boundary lines became blurred and confusing.

No matter what your personal situation may be; it is important to understand that identifying, developing, establishing, and protecting your boundaries is vital to your well-being.

What Are Boundaries? Why are They Important?

Basically, there are two types of boundaries – external and internal. Boundaries are appropriate in every type of relationship. You should have boundaries with friends, family members, co-workers, and even yourself.

External boundaries are what separate you from other people. They are specific constructs you create to determine what is okay and what is not okay in your relationships. External boundaries allow you to recognize where you stop and other people start. You might think of them as guidelines that govern the way you interact with the world around you.

Internal boundaries are between you and you. They help you regulate the relationship you have with yourself. You might think of internal boundaries as self-discipline; which results in effective time management, mental and emotional self-regulation, appropriate behavior, and impulse control. Internal boundaries empower you to follow through on commitments you make to yourself.

You get to create your own external and internal boundaries. However; you should keep in mind that they should be designed to help you establish and enjoy healthy relationships with others and yourself.

Types of external boundaries:

Understanding these and applying them in your life will help you in your relationships with others.

Physical boundaries – you are entitled to your own personal space, privacy, and safety.

You have the right to feel comfortable within the invisible boundary line that surrounds your physical body. For example, you may prefer a handshake to a hug. Or, you may want someone to stand several feet away when they talk to you. Likewise, you may not enjoy public displays of affection from a spouse or significant other. And, of course, no one should ever abuse you or cause you any physical harm.

Keep in mind that everyone has their own physical boundaries. Be respectful of other people’s space just as you want them to be respectful of yours. What may be okay with you may not be okay with someone else.

Mental boundaries – your mind is your own. You get to decide what thoughts to think and what information you allow to come in in. If something is upsetting you, you have the right to walk away.

Additionally, you do not have to share your thoughts, opinions, or beliefs if you choose not to. No one should try to pry inside your mind to see what is inside. You also do not have to listen to the thoughts, opinions, or beliefs of others if you choose not to. You have the right to protect your thought space.

Material boundaries – you get to decide what to do with the things you own.

You should have an expectation of privacy when it comes to your material possessions.

Emotional boundaries – you have permission to experience emotional health and wellness.

Emotional boundaries should be firmly rooted in the knowledge that you are responsible for your own feelings and that you are NOT responsible for the feelings of others. In other words, someone cannot “make” you feel a certain way. You choose your own emotional responses, just as they choose theirs.

Also, asserting emotional boundaries means that you should protect yourself from abuse of any kind. This means detaching from toxic relationships that do not support your highest good.

Spiritual boundaries – spiritual boundaries promote your spiritual health.  Higher Power can be anything or anyone you want it to be.

You will likely run into at least a handful of people in your lifetime who will try to convert you, insult your religious beliefs, or challenge your ideology. You are entitled to protect your own spiritual boundaries. You may do this quietly and respectfully. There is no need to explain your spirituality to anyone else, nor is it appropriate to push your beliefs on someone who believes differently than you do.

Having Internal Boundaries With Yourself is a Must

Having healthy boundaries with yourself is critical to the recovery process. By the time most people get sober, they have severely damaged the relationship they have with themselves. Rebuilding self-confidence and experiencing self-love is an ongoing process that takes time and dedication.

You can start to rebuild the relationship you have with yourself by making the commitment to stay sober one day at a time. This could be the first internal boundary you set with yourself. As you live up to this commitment with each passing day, you will feel more comfortable in your own skin.

Doing this will encourage you to set more boundaries. With time, you might set boundaries about what you eat, how often you exercise, how you spend your money, what time you go to bed every night and what time you wake up every morning.

Setting internal boundaries is a sign of self-care and self love. After years of drug or alcohol abuse, this may seem foreign at first – but it will become second nature with time.

Setting Boundaries is a Sign of Respect

Many people fear setting boundaries. They might think they will offend others by telling them no or asserting their own independence. Or, they might mistakenly believe that setting internal boundaries will be too restrictive.

Ironically, boundaries offer freedom. They help guide your behavior and steer your relationships with others in a healthy direction. Setting external and internal boundaries is showing respect for others and for yourself.

Of course, establishing and applying them takes time and practice. However; you will find that life makes a lot more sense when it is governed by healthy boundaries. They will help you achieve the highest and fullest expression of yourself.

Let’s Get Moving!

Recovery is a time that can bring about increased stress, reduced energy, changes in sleeping patterns, anxious or depressed mood and many hours of idle time. As your body begins to adjust to substance free state, it undergoes numerous (sometimes unpleasant) changes. While positive in the long term, these changes can seem almost unbearable in the beginning. Finding an outlet, namely exercise or physical activity, will assist in decreasing these feelings.

The path to recovery requires the whole body. Physical and mental health are more connected than we realize, and while the benefits of exercise on physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual health are well known for everyone, what is the connection that exists between exercise and addiction recovery? Brain chemistry is altered during exercise and increases mood enhancement and endorphin release. During recovery, your body and mind can crave the high you were used to experiencing during addiction. Exercise can produce a similar sensation. The high felt from exercising might be different and slightly less intense than the high felt from drugs or alcohol, but it acts as a natural, pleasurable replacement in recovery and dedication to a physical activity will help you become accustomed to the natural levels of endorphins in your system. The outcome…you will realize how enjoyable exercising is and it can inspire you to develop a positive addiction to it. Being active will nourish the mind and body and restore the connection between the two.

Beyond endorphin release, physical activing increases self-esteem, self-confidence, optimism, productivity, provides structure and routine and fills your time and thoughts. As with any new activity, it can be scary and your fitness journey will be no different, but remember, starting is the hardest part. Once you start you will realize that the more you do it, the better you get at it and the more comfortable you become. You will start to feel yourself becoming stronger, both mentally and physically, which fosters a sense of accomplishment, pride, self-worth and reinforces your ability to meet the challenges you face daily and meet your goals.

One of the biggest benefits of exercising is better sleep quality. Addiction disrupts body processes, including sleep patterns, which can cause difficulty falling or staying asleep. Without proper sleep, we aren’t able to function at our highest capacity, which is crucial in making the best choices for ourselves. As the body returns to a nourished and balanced state, exercise helps restore a normal sleep cycle, which, when well rested, gives you more energy to enjoy your life.

If you haven’t exercised before or it’s been quite some time, start small, such as going for a walk every day to see how you feel. Maybe go somewhere that is peaceful for you, like the beach or a park, so that it is also a time of reflection. You can then build your way up to find what you like to do and what workout is best for you. You might have to try several different activities before you find the one, but by experimenting with different workouts, you’ll figure out what aspects of exercise you enjoy most and which form is right for you.

As always, everybody’s path to recovery is different and everybody has a different form of physical activity they like to do. That is the beautiful thing about exercise, there is no one way to work out and you get to choose what works for you.

Working out with someone like minded, will push you, encourage you, hold you accountable, and motivate you. I will be that person to get you started and introduce you to activities and people who all have the same goals...to live a long healthy life. This outlet allows you to refocus your thoughts, clear your mind, focus on your well-being, challenge yourself, step outside of your comfort zone, feel rejuvenated, boost your mood and develop a dedication to it. Watch how quickly this becomes a part of your everyday life. You will be unstoppable. Now let’s get moving! xoxo

Solitude…

Loneliness is part of the recovery process...there seems to be no way around it. However, loneliness and solitude, while often used interchangeably, are two completely different things…it’s all about perspective.

Loneliness is a subjective feeling, typically accompanied by other feelings such as anxiety, depression or panic and it can be hard to manage these emotions in early stages of recovery. We are often scared of where silence will take us and this time of introspection can intimidate us. Part of the process is learning to manage these emotions and turn this quiet time into a time of solitude, a space that can seem extremely uncomfortable and scary, but that most of us underestimate how powerful it can be.

Solitude is not loneliness. It is a time to recharge your brain without energy draining distractions that are constantly demanding your attention. It is expansive and a catalyst for personal growth. It gives us the opportunity to connect with ourselves in silence, it gives us a space to practice new ways of seeing and being and it gives us perspective on our ideas and our relationships to the things that surround us. It is a time to disconnect from the chaos of life, regroup and step back into the world with a fresh mind, ready to be a better person and do better things. Harnessing this stillness allows you to find answers to questions and solutions to problems; it stretches you and illuminates you.

It takes great inner strength to sit in solitude. That strength is a muscle that we must exercise daily through deliberate practice and the only way to overcome the fear of solitude is to face it. Find a quiet space that brings you joy, ease yourself in with a few minutes each day. You will soon find that the discomfort will eventually ease and that the choice to seek solitude is now a part of your existence.

I will sit in solitude with you and provide you the tools needed to combat feelings of loneliness. With this guidance, the next time you start to feel lonely in your recovery process, you will know it is not loneliness you are feeling, it is simply your soul telling you it needs to be replenished and enriched by you and you alone.

The answers we seek to our most important questions are not found outside of ourselves.  They are only found within ourselves and when we find strength, rather than fear in solitude, we live far richer lives with others and most importantly with our self. When we are purely connected internally we can manage almost anything that comes our way, grow stronger and ground and center ourselves in our purpose.

Find your place of peace, spend time there and embrace the magic that happens within.